Tim Moore’s World Worsts
Name Tim Moore
Who? In 1998 Tim accidentally embarked on the therapeutic Arctic voyage that was to spawn Frost on My Moustache, a critically-acclaimed comic travelogue that regrettably took its name from the punchline to an offensive joke. This was followed by Continental Drifter, a retracing of the foolhardy round-trip to Venice made by Britain’s first Grand Tourist; French Revolutions, the best-selling and prize-winning account of his farcical yet strangely inspiring attempt to cycle all 3,630km of the 2000 Tour de France; and Do Not Pass Go, a history of his native London seen through the 22 streets on the Monopoly board. Spanish Steps patiently detailed how not to tackle the Camino de Santiago by donkey, and Nul Points was an account of Tim’s ill-advised attempt to meet those performers who have failed to trouble the scorers at the Eurovision Song Contest. Tim’s most recent book, I Believe in Yesterday, relates his globetrotting, time-traveling adventures in historical reenactment. This would at least partially explain his photo.
Countries Visited I gave up keeping tabs when Europe fragmented into 12 billion sovereign territories. Anyway, a trawl through the Wikipedia list suggests I’m currently on 62.
1. Worst Aspect of Being an Unfit Englishman Cycling Long Distances in France The number of signs that yell ‘PAIN’ down every high street.
2. Worst Thing About Traveling through Spain with a Donkey The stupid and useless holiday vocabulary you pick up – ‘My animal requires barley’ hasn’t established itself as the phrasebook gift that keeps on giving. Though I still hope to get some use out of ‘I will clear up his night-mess in the morning.’
3. Worst Words to Hear when You’re in a Camp full of Kindly, Earnest Widows at a Civil War Reenactment ‘Sir, would you do us the honor of reading a little William Shakespeare?’
4. Worst Long-Term Car Park The cheapest one in Mestre, on the mainland outside Venice. It’s run by children: the sort of children who will put 47 miles on the clock during your absence, then summon large dogs when you point this out.
5. Worst Place in the Entire World Dubai is a gigantic expo of wrongness: everything that’s bad about modern life brought together in one place. The only way to cross the street that goes right through the central business district is to take a taxi. I spent five days feeling like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes. ‘We finally really did it! God damn you! God damn you all to hell!’
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